“Grief”

The only constant is change. The world is a busy place; sometimes we take “time off” from our jobs, our projects, even our loved ones. But the world keeps worlding no matter how we may wish for it to stop so we can catch up. While many of us see and accept that part of our purpose in this life is to grow, sometimes we forget that growth requires loss. The butterfly does not…… drag the remnants of its cocoon around wherever it flies. Growth requires that we leave some things behind, and the hardest thing to let go of are limiting beliefs. Our beliefs define who we are- they shape our thoughts and opinions, and therefore our reactions and feelings. Our beliefs determine what we do- acts become habits, habits become lifestyles. It takes great courage to even question your core beliefs. “What if I’ve been wrong about something important for five years, fifteen… fifty?” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross had already been a world leader in the field of dying, loss, and grief for decades before she got the courage to face her own biggest wound. She would later call it her “Rabbit Story,” reminding her audiences that everybody has one. The good doctor taught is that there are stages of grief. Denial is a normative stage, but let’s remember that it is only a stage. Anger is understandable, even predictable. One is likely to go through Bargaining and Depression before reaching Acceptance. There are so many things that can inhibit grief- or prevent it altogether- and therefore stop growth: fear, shame, and addiction make up the axis of stuckness. Sometimes it is not the fear of the new but the fear of the feelings that prevents us from moving forward. Other times it is shame- the fear that people will reject us when they find out something about ourselves (or our organizations). And still other times we are so loyal to a person or attached to a situation that we can’t see that it is that very person or situation which is requiring us to grow, even if their words are begging us not to! The first step in building a house is chopping down a tree. Building a house of truth and integrity- a house you can feel thoroughly proud of- might require chopping down some of the trees that are preventing the light from reaching into every corner. A true friend would not ask us to deny truth, stay stuck, or lie just so they could feel better. And a house that depends on a lie to remain standing… well, just tell the truth and see what “house” remains. Grieve the loss of the lie, help others to grieve the loss of the lie, and then everybody step into the light. Practice what you preach.