“Anger”

Posted: May 9, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: WOTD | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Anger is an emotion. You have a right to your emotions. You have a right to feel however you feel. You are never wrong for feeling how you feel; feelings don’t lie. You may stay angry at whomever you want to stay angry for as long as you want to feel angry at them. People may try to get you to stop- they may even succeed at getting you to stop- but you have the right to feel however you feel; you don’t need any reason other than that is how you feel.

Anger projected into the future is fear, and anger projected into the past is resentment. Just as with current anger, no one has the right to tell you that your fears or resentments are wrong. You may stay as fearful and/or resentful at anyone or anything you choose for as long as you want.

At the root of the experience of all anger (and I am including fear and resentment in this) is powerlessness. You can’t feel powerful and at the same time angry, fearful, or resentful.

It’s precisely when I feel angry that I feel most powerful!

No, it’s not. True power- as distinct from righteous indignation, fright, or rage- is never only about one person’s feelings. Power is the ability to accomplish a creative solution to a problem that does not dehumanize, discount, or otherwise devalue any of the other people involved. Anger takes a position over and against people; power takes a position for all people. Anger is definitionally selfish and oppositional; power is generous, magnanimous, charitable. Anger stems from a perception of scarce resources; power comes from the Source and therefore can know no lack. Anger perceives one’s own injury, hurt, and damage; power heals another’s faulty perception of their own injury, hurt, and damage.

It is impossible both to stay angry and to be healed at the same time.

It might be that finding, reclaiming, and using an angry voice that had been stolen could be a very healing thing. Anger is not bad. You are not a bad person if you get angry or are angry. That anger is pointing at something that wants to be healed. Your true self is always trying to heal so you can get back to your fully powerful natural state.

Is there injustice in the world? What is the problem with being angry about injustice and using that anger to fuel constructive action ?

It is a very common belief that one can solve a problem with the same consciousness that created it. That is impossible. Problems that were caused by anger cannot be solved with anger.

“Apology”

Posted: May 1, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: WOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A good apology has the “I’m sorry” part but that’s not all. Maybe “I’m sorry” would be enough for a very small thing, but what about very big things? How would someone go about saying, “I’m sorry for sexually abusing you when you were a child,” for example?

Clearly that would be a necessary start. In fact, as a guiding principle, the whole apology would have to be a start. Usually, we think of apologies as endings- something we then move on from. The “sorry” part of a big apology is just the beginning.

In the case of an apology for sexually abusing someone, all kinds of logistical considerations need to be addressed in order to even make any communication possible. The person being apologized to would need to be in charge of all of that- everything.

This process is being initiated by the offender in our example. The offender wants to apologize. That’s about all the offender has a right to want. The offender does not get to place any expectations whatsoever on the victim, let alone demands. The offender wants to do the right thing; what would have to happen for it to be a healing experience for the victim?

For it to be a true apology, the offender must not only express regret, remorse and sorrow at having caused so much pain- the “sorry” part- but also must demostrate a willingness to take responsibility for the acts and their consequences. There can be no evasion or blame, no excuses or justifications.

During the “responsibility” part, the offender lets the victim know exactly what he is sorry for. This is crucial because the victim would need to know what the offender is sorry for. It is very hard to accept an apology from someone who you think doesn’t know what they put you through. This cannot be mere labels and categories, e.g., “I’m sorry for the abuse;” this is the chance to clearly show a thorough grasp of how devastating the abuse was and how difficult it must have been since.

How is the survivor going to know the abuser “gets it” unless that survivor actually tells the story to that abuser?

So, part of the “responsibility” part is listening. If the offender is truly sorry and ready to take full responsibility, then being able to hear everything is an essential part of that. The offender not only hears, but hears in a way that the survivor FEELS heard. The survivor is in charge; the process doesn’t move forward unless and until the survivor feels heard.

Listening and understanding on the part of the offender would be the lion’s share of the “responsibility” part, so that the victim could know that the offender knows just what the apology is for.

“Change” is the third part. These three stages don’t all happen in discreet episodes. Life is messy. This process takes a lifetime because “change” takes a lifetime.

Part of change is stopping the abusive behavior. Presumably the abuser has stopped abusing years before our hypothetical process takes place. The abuser has not only stopped abusing already, but has changed significantly in many other ways.

The abuser has already demonstrated a willingness (by doing so) to make amends to society as a whole, other victims, and other people who’ve been hurt.

The abuser is not in a rush- is not trying to hurry the survivor or the process. The abuser is demonstrating in all aspects of life the following qualities: humility, contrition, repentance, as well as a committment to living a healthy life even if the survivor does not accept the apology.

While not rushing the survivor, the abuser is possessed of a sacred urgency, realizing there is no more important task on the planet than doing whatever is possible to heal the wounds that abuser inflicted. If the survivor chooses not to believe or accept the apology, it does not alter one iota the redemptive path the abuser is on. This path cannot have secrets, lies, or any deceptions whatsoever. The abuser has forfeited forever the right to have secrets.

There can be no hint of threat, blackmail, pressure, or manipulation as these were all aspects of the original abuse. The abuser may not demand to be forgiven. Forgiveness is not earned through penance; forgiveness is a gift that can only be freely given (if it’s not free, it’s not forgiveness).

Forgiveness is a two-part process. The dual-aspect of forgiveness is reaffirmed anytime anyone says the Lord’s Prayer: “…and forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us.” We not only forgive ourselves and others, we ONLY forgive ourselves TO THE PRECISE EXTENT we forgive others.

So the good news is that nobody has to wait to give or get an apology to accept forgiveness for themselves.

The bad news is that you can’t be forgiven without forgiving.

But actually, that’s good news, too. That’s very good news.

“Grief”

Posted: April 25, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: WOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The only constant is change. The world is a busy place; sometimes we take “time off” from our jobs, our projects, even our loved ones. But the world keeps worlding no matter how we may wish for it to stop so we can catch up. While many of us see and accept that part of our purpose in this life is to grow, sometimes we forget that growth requires loss. The butterfly does not…… drag the remnants of its cocoon around wherever it flies. Growth requires that we leave some things behind, and the hardest thing to let go of are limiting beliefs. Our beliefs define who we are- they shape our thoughts and opinions, and therefore our reactions and feelings. Our beliefs determine what we do- acts become habits, habits become lifestyles. It takes great courage to even question your core beliefs. “What if I’ve been wrong about something important for five years, fifteen… fifty?” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross had already been a world leader in the field of dying, loss, and grief for decades before she got the courage to face her own biggest wound. She would later call it her “Rabbit Story,” reminding her audiences that everybody has one. The good doctor taught is that there are stages of grief. Denial is a normative stage, but let’s remember that it is only a stage. Anger is understandable, even predictable. One is likely to go through Bargaining and Depression before reaching Acceptance. There are so many things that can inhibit grief- or prevent it altogether- and therefore stop growth: fear, shame, and addiction make up the axis of stuckness. Sometimes it is not the fear of the new but the fear of the feelings that prevents us from moving forward. Other times it is shame- the fear that people will reject us when they find out something about ourselves (or our organizations). And still other times we are so loyal to a person or attached to a situation that we can’t see that it is that very person or situation which is requiring us to grow, even if their words are begging us not to! The first step in building a house is chopping down a tree. Building a house of truth and integrity- a house you can feel thoroughly proud of- might require chopping down some of the trees that are preventing the light from reaching into every corner. A true friend would not ask us to deny truth, stay stuck, or lie just so they could feel better. And a house that depends on a lie to remain standing… well, just tell the truth and see what “house” remains. Grieve the loss of the lie, help others to grieve the loss of the lie, and then everybody step into the light. Practice what you preach.