“Guilt”

Posted: April 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: WOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What’s the difference between the Convict and you? Perhaps the conviction.

Would you say more people get caught or don’t get caught for crimes they commit?

It’s “don’t.”

Of those that get caught, do more convictions result, or not?

“Not.”

People are getting away with a lot of crime.

When it comes to Child Sexual Abuse, the generally accepted figure is that nine out of ten incidents go UNREPORTED. We need to flip that figure and make NOT reporting sexual abuse a rare thing.

We can start by talking about it. If you don’t have a story to tell, it would do a survivor a world of good to be listened to. There are survivor blogs right here on wordpress, “my Story” videos on youtube, and many twitter accounts that exist for the sole purpose of talking about it. Listen. Comment. The ones who do come forward are often invalidated, contradicted, dismissed, attacked. The rest suffer in silence. And guilt.

They can’t shake the conviction that they did something wrong.

Maybe they have since done some things wrong- victimized others, become addicted to sex, lived outside the mainstream as a throw-away… claiming to have rejected society first, rather than having been rejected by it. Perhaps the wrongdoing  by now is legion. Someone hurt them and that wasn’t right, but now they’ve hurt others. They suspect they are not worthy of happiness. The original abuser’s work is almost done.

Depression, despair, hopelessness are constant companions. And crushing guilt. There doesn’t seem to be any way out. People say, “Get over it.” People say, “You’re too old to still be blaming others for your problems.” They said that when you were a child, too. You’ve never been able to publicly name the abuser, name the acts, and give the problems back.

People tell you to cheer up, that it can’t be all that bad. You just want to say, “I didn’t do anything wrong! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!” But by now you don’t really believe that yourself. What was it the abuser said, “This will be our little secret?” Ours. How did it become “ours?”

Time to give the secret back. You couldn’t agree to that contract to stay silent any more than you were capable of consenting to sexual activity at that age. It was imposed on you, forced on you. You signed under duress; it is null and void.

All the things you have done to hurt yourself since, it is time to forgive yourself.

All the things you have done to hurt others because of the ways you were hurt, it is time to accept forgiveness for them, too.

You were not designed to live under the burden of chronic, crushing guilt. You are not a bad person. You are no less deserving of happiness than anyone else. No matter what was done to you or what you’ve done to others, it is time to set about making things right.

 

“Grief”

Posted: April 25, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: WOTD | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The only constant is change. The world is a busy place; sometimes we take “time off” from our jobs, our projects, even our loved ones. But the world keeps worlding no matter how we may wish for it to stop so we can catch up. While many of us see and accept that part of our purpose in this life is to grow, sometimes we forget that growth requires loss. The butterfly does not…… drag the remnants of its cocoon around wherever it flies. Growth requires that we leave some things behind, and the hardest thing to let go of are limiting beliefs. Our beliefs define who we are- they shape our thoughts and opinions, and therefore our reactions and feelings. Our beliefs determine what we do- acts become habits, habits become lifestyles. It takes great courage to even question your core beliefs. “What if I’ve been wrong about something important for five years, fifteen… fifty?” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross had already been a world leader in the field of dying, loss, and grief for decades before she got the courage to face her own biggest wound. She would later call it her “Rabbit Story,” reminding her audiences that everybody has one. The good doctor taught is that there are stages of grief. Denial is a normative stage, but let’s remember that it is only a stage. Anger is understandable, even predictable. One is likely to go through Bargaining and Depression before reaching Acceptance. There are so many things that can inhibit grief- or prevent it altogether- and therefore stop growth: fear, shame, and addiction make up the axis of stuckness. Sometimes it is not the fear of the new but the fear of the feelings that prevents us from moving forward. Other times it is shame- the fear that people will reject us when they find out something about ourselves (or our organizations). And still other times we are so loyal to a person or attached to a situation that we can’t see that it is that very person or situation which is requiring us to grow, even if their words are begging us not to! The first step in building a house is chopping down a tree. Building a house of truth and integrity- a house you can feel thoroughly proud of- might require chopping down some of the trees that are preventing the light from reaching into every corner. A true friend would not ask us to deny truth, stay stuck, or lie just so they could feel better. And a house that depends on a lie to remain standing… well, just tell the truth and see what “house” remains. Grieve the loss of the lie, help others to grieve the loss of the lie, and then everybody step into the light. Practice what you preach.